Takaisin Ajatusvarikolle - Back to the Thought Deposit
- Dinoglyfs - Esihistorialliset eläimet historiankirjoissa - Prehistoric Creatures Documented by the Ancient Man


Pauli J. Ojala
M. Sci. Master of Sciing
Subway scientist, Pneumology
Bogus enterprise

 "If Microsoft, one of these days, invents something that does not suck... It most probably will be a Microsoft vacuum cleaner."
-Linus Torvalds, the Finnish father of the shareware Linux operating system–

"The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant…"
"It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education…"
"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18…"
"For you look what everyone has always looked and try to see what nobody has seen before"
- Uncle Albert -

- If we knew what we were doing, it would not be called re-search
 -Albert Einstein -

'If I would be a young man again and had to decide how to make my living, I would not try to become a scientist or scholar or teacher. I would rather choose to be a plumber or a peddler in the hope to find that modest degree of independence still available under present circumstances.'
- Albert Einstein, a physicist -

"Ongelmaa ei voi ratkaista sen tyyppisell ajattelulla, jolla se saatiin aikaan."
- Albert Einstein -

"Comrade Stalin found time even for detailed examination of the most important problems of biology... He directly edited the plan of my paper, 'On the Situation in Biological Science,' in detail, explained to me his corrections, and provided me with directions as to how to write certain passages in the paper."
- Trofim Lysenko, an agronomist, in Pravda (Truth) in 1953 -

"Menneisyytemme on hirvittävä.
Nykyisyyttä emme kestä.
Onneksi meillä ei ole tulevaisuutta."
(Seinäkirjoitus pommitetun Belgian raunioissa vuonna 1941.)

'A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library'
- Frank Westheimer -
- Hi! I'm your friendly neighbourhood signature virus.
Copy me to your signature file and help me spread! -
 - First they say your ideas are wrong. Next they agree your ideas are right but they are not important. Then they agree they are both right and important but give the credit to someone else -
Success cannot be advertized. Failure cannot be explained. Truth shall make you free. - Toisinto Yhdysvaltain keskustiedustelutoimiston palavereista –
- In a cavern, in a canyon, lived a DATA-miner, 18fortyniner -
"The miracle of the appropriateness of the language of mathematics for the formulation of the laws of physics is a wonderful gift which we neither understand nor deserve."
-Eugene P. Wigner -

Nine for the mortal cells, doomed to differentiate
- J. R. R. Tolkien, revisited -

If this were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction.
Twelfth night, Act 3 Scene 4 - FABIAN

 The geneticist Richard Lewontin, an outspoken proponent of evolution and
adversary of creation/design, illustrated this point rather well.

"Our willingness to accept scientific claims that are against common sense
is the key to an understanding of the real struggle between science and
the supernatural. We take the side of science in spite of the patent
absurdity of some of its constructs, in spite of its failure to fulfill
many of its extravagant promises of health and life, in spite of the
tolerance of the scientific community for unsubstantiated just-so stories,
because we have a prior commitment, a commitment to materialism. It is
not that the methods and institutions of science somehow compel us to
accept a material explanation of the phenomenal world, but, on the
contrary, that we are forced by our a priori adherence to material causes
to create an apparatus of investigation and a set of concepts that produce
material explanations, no matter how counterintuitive, no matter how
mystifying to the uninitiated.
Moreover, that materialism is absolute, for we cannot allow a Divine Foot in the door."
"Billions and Billions of Demons" New York Review of Books, January 9,
1997, p. 28.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
In practice, however, there is.
 - Doug Rosenberg –
Be not merely good; be good for something.
- Henry David Thoreau -
It is better to ask some of the questions than to know all the answers
- James Thurber -
We had an unlimited budget and we exceeded it
- Jay Chiat -
The idea is there, locked inside, and all you have to do is to remove the excess stone
- Michelangelo -
I am a great believer in luck, an I find the harder I work, the more I have of it
- Stephen Lealock -
To be persuasive, we must be believable; to be believable, we must be credible; to be credible, we must be truthful
- Edward R. Murrow -

 basic law of journalism is: "If it bleeds it leads!"

Tyytyväisyys on viisasten kivi - tyytyväisyys muuttaa kullaksi kaiken mitä se koskettaa
Benjamin Franklin

 "Assumptions can be dangerous, especially in science. They usually start as the most plausible or comfortable interpretation of the available facts. But when their truth cannot be immediately tested and their flaws are not obvious, assumptions often graduate to articles of faith, and new observations are forced to fit them. Eventually, if the volume of troublesome information becomes unsustainable, the orthodoxy must collapse."
-John S. Mattick
"A paradigm sets the problem[s] to be solved (p. 27) in its domain -- and also provides the accepted standards of solution (p. 103) for those problems. To a great extent these are the only problems the community will accept as scientific or encourage its members to undertake."
-Thomas Kuhn, The Structure of Scientific Revolutions (p. 37) - 

"A paradigm sets the problem[s] to be solved in its domain -- and also provides the accepted standards of solution for those problems. To a great extent these are the only problems the community will accept as scientific or encourage its members to undertake."
-Thomas Kuhn, The Structure of Scientific Revolutions -
 "I think the worst censorhip we all face is internal - the fear of departing from the path approved by our peers. No matter how powerful the arguments against a viewpoint, it is very difficult for them to really register with us as long as we are living within a milieu in which alternatives are simply inthinkable."
-James Barham 

"Contrary to common myth, Galileo suffered very little abuse at the hands of the Catholic Church. He was never tortured, he never faced death. In fact, he was never imprisoned. His penalty was house arrest at a pleasant villa on the outskirts of Florence, Italy. Galileo's problems with the church stemmed far less from his astronomical and physical views than from his lack of diplomacy, and from his impertinence in trying to instruct the church on how to interpret Scriptures, as some Protestants had attempted to do in the previous century. Furthermore, in writing his controversial book, Galileo had the impertinence to attribute the Pope's views to a simple-minded character named Simplicius. This Pope [Urban VIII] had once been a patron of Galileo's and had supported his scientific efforts, so such a lack of diplomacy turned even the Pope against his one-time friend."
-Ron Numbers- 

Be it cancer, podcasting, hurricane, bankruptcy, autism, celebrities or other hot trends that makes you move - acknowledge the roots of your culture.
Culture is the soil where you grow.

Minds are like parachutes… they only function when they are open
- Thomas Dewar

- Evolution is not the basis of biological science, it's the box into which biological science, supposedly, must be stuffed -

- Blut ist ein ganz besondrer Saft -  (M. A. Numminen sings Wittgenstein and Goethe)
 Goethego (Faust 1, 4), Mefisto.

Tuo joka liikkuu tuolla lailla nykien
on skitsofreenikko
Tuo liikkumaton on katatoonikko
Se joka istuu alasti eristyshuoneessa
on masennustilassa
Tuo joka leijuu puoli senttiä irti lattiasta
on maaninen
Tuo jolla on kouristuksia on kaatumatautinen
Tuo joka tuijottaa noin on idiootti
Se joka seisoo koko päivän suihkussa
on pakkoneurootikko
Se joka hirtti itsensä on kuollut
Ne jotka katselevat ihmeissään tätä kaikkea
on henkilökunta

Claes Andersson:
"Hulluudestamme ja hulluudestanne"
 (Kraepelin oli tiedemies, joka systematisoi 1800-luvun lopussa hulluuden määritelmät, mm. Törmäsin kaveriin aikanaan skandeeraillessani suomalaiset biologian oppikirjat läpi yliopiston kirjastoilla ja Pasilan kaupunginkirjaston varastolla. Hän löysi alzheimerin vaikka sen kaverinsa mukaan nimesikin. Kuvasi myös skitsofrenian ja maanisdepressiivisen mielialan - sekä yhtä ja toista 'hoitomenetelmää'.)

Wellingtonin herttua ja Napoleon Bonaparte syntyivät molemmat samana vuonna, 1769; molemmat syntyivät saarella; kumpikin menetti jo
varhain isänsä; kummallakin oli neljä veljeä ja kolme sisarta; kumpikin kävi samaan aikaan sotakoulua Ranskassa; kumpikin ylennettiin
everstiluutnantiksi vain päivän väliajoin; kumpikin oli etevä matematiikassa; kumpikin oli etevä sotilas ja kumpikin komensi suurta
armeijaa. Kumpikin myös muistetaan Waterloon taistelusta, jossa vain toinen voitti.
Mitä eroa siis oli Wellingtonilla ja Napoleonilla? Toisella oli viisaammat neuvonantajat, toisella tyhmemmät.

"Aina kun Pavlov näki koiran kuolaavan, tuli hänelle vastustamaton halu soittaa kelloa" - Toisinto Turun yliopiston kirjaston saniteettitilan ilmoitustaululta -  
 "Elämä on ihmisen parasta aikaa." - Matti Nykänen –

"Miljoona kärpästä ei voi olla väärässä!" (Syödään paskaa.)

On kolme tapaa saa asia hoidetuksi:
- Tee se itse
- Palkkaa joku tekemään se
- Kiellä lapsiasi tekemästä sitä

Jokaisen menestyneen miehen takana on yllättynyt anoppi.

Behind every succesful man there is a surprised mother-in-law

I Jos tykkään siitä, se on minun.
II Jos pystyn ottamaan sen sinulta, se on minun.
III Jos se oli äsken minulla, se on minun.
IV Jos se on minun, siitä ei millään tule sinun.
V Jos se näyttää minun tavaraltani, se on minun.
VI Jos se on sinun ja pihistän sen, se on minun.
VII Jos luulen sen olevan minun, se on minun.
VIII Jos se on rikki, se on sinun.

Nopein tapa kiinnittää lapsen huomio...
...on istua alas ja näyttää rennolta.

Kaikki valta turmelee. Absoluuttinen valta on tosi siistiä.

Jos tahdot lapsesi kuuntelevan...
...puhu oikein hiljaa, jollekin toiselle.

Yritän ottaa päivän kerrallaan, mutta joskus ne käyvät päälle yhtä aikaa.

Sotamiehen on vasta sitten hyvä olla, kun ensin syö niin paljon että on paha olla.

Armeija marssii vatsallaan.

Kun on lirissä korvia myöten, kannattaa sulkea suunsa.

Jos pystyt säilyttämään malttisi, kun kaikki muut pimahtavat...
...on mahdollista, ettet ymmärtänyt tilannetta.

Pyrin etenemään töissä pitkälle, mutta pomo löytää minut aina...
...ja hakee pois.

Käteen jäävä palkka ei edes tule käteen.

Minulla on enää yksi hermo jäljellä. Ja sinä käyt siihen.

Kaikkea kohtuudella, myös kohtuutta.

Naimisissa on kiva olla. On ihanaa löytää se ihminen, jota haluaa kiusata loppuelämänsä.

Parempi hyvin hirressä kuin huonosti naimisissa.

Parisuhde on kuin katiska: Ulkopuolella olevat tahtovat sinne ja sisällä olevat tahtovat pois.

Miehet on luotu sitä varten, että heille puhuttaisiin. Se auttaa heitä keskittymään lukemiseensa.

Mennyt myttyyn. Palaan pian.

Faktat ovat ehkä minua vastaan, mutta illuusiot ovat puolellani.

Jos miehet eivät olisi niin yksinkertaisia, naiset eivät olisi niin monimutkaisia.

Ei huolta. Pysyn rinnallasi aina rahojen loppuun saakka.

Jokaisen vanhan ihmisen sisällä ihmettelee nuori ihminen, mitä oikein tapahtui.

Elämäni on tasapainossa. Älkää tehkö äkkinäisiä liikkeitä.

Miksi sanotaan ett äsinulla on vauva? Vauvalla on sinut.

Perhesuunnittelu: Taito sijoittaa lapset sopivin välein pitämään sinut vararikon partaalla.

Lapsesi ovat kasvamassa aikuisiksi kun he lakkaavat kyselemästä mistä tulivat...
...ja kieltäytyvät kertomasta minne menevät.

Harva seikka tuottaa niin paljon tyydytystä, kuin nähdä lapsensa teini-ikäisten vanhempina.

Älä pyydä minua rentoutumaan vain pingotus pitää minut koossa.

Estrogeenit lopussa. Mielialan muutokseen kaksi minuuttia.

"Plasma on kuin imperialismin Afrikka: Kartalla valkoisia läiskiä tohtori Livingstoneille – timantteja keuhkotautisille Cecil Rhodeseille"
(Toisinto Uudeltamaalta, tuntematon)

"Keksinnön pitää selvitä tieteellisistä, taloudellisista ja lainsäädännöllisistä esteistä. Lopuksi asiakkaat päättävät sen menestyksen."

J. Paul Getty & "Formula for success: rise early, work hard - strike oil."




Laki avaruuslentäjien pelastamisesta ja palauttamisesta sekä avaruusesineiden palauttamisesta 5.8.1970/616

Eduskunnan päätöksen mukaisesti säädetään:

1 § (23.12.1976/107)

Avaruuslentäjien pelastamisesta ja palauttamisesta sekä ulkoavaruuteen lähetettyjen esineiden (avaruusesineiden) palauttamisesta samoin kuin avaruuslentäjien ja avaruusesineiden yksityisille aiheuttamien kustannusten ja vahinkojen korvaamisesta on voimassa, mitä tässä laissa säädetään.

2 §

Joka havaitsee, että avaruusaluksen miehistö on joutunut onnettomuuteen tai että se on hätätilassa tahi on suorittanut pakko- tai tahattoman laskun taikka että avaruusesine tai sen osa muutoin laskeutuu Suomen alueelle tai siihen liittyvälle aavalle merelle, on velvollinen viipymättä ilmoittamaan siitä lähimmälle poliisi-, rajavartio- tai sotilasviranomaiselle sekä antamaan tarvittaessa avaruusaluksen miehistöön kuuluvan henkilön ja tämän laitteiden tai kojeiden pelastamiseksi sellaista apua, minkä hän saattamatta itseään tai ketään muuta vaaraan voi saada aikaan.

3 §

Milloin joku löytää esineen, jonka voidaan epäillä olevan peräisin avaruusesineestä, on löydöstä viipymättä ilmoitettava lähimmälle poliisi-, rajavartio- tai sotilasviranomaiselle. Esinettä ei saa viedä pois eikä liikuttaa ilman viranomaisen lupaa, ellei siihen ole erittäin painavia syitä.

Edellä 1 momentissa tarkoitettu esine on vaadittaessa luovutettava viranomaiselle. Avaruusesineeseen ei sovelleta, mitä löytötavaralaissa (778/88) on säädetty löytötavarasta. (26.8.1988/781)

4 §

Kustannukset, jotka aiheutuvat yksityiselle edellä 2 ja 3 §:ssä tarkoitetusta ilmoituksen tekemisestä tai avustustoimenpiteestä taikka esineen talteen ottamisesta, säilyttämisestä, luovuttamisesta tai palauttamisesta, korvataan valtion varoista.

Sama on voimassa sellaisen vahingon korvaamisesta, jonka avaruusesine tai sen laukaisuväline tahi niiden osa taikka avaruusaluksen miehistöön kuuluva henkilö avaruuslentoon liittyviä tehtäviä suorittaessaan aiheuttaa yksityiselle tai tämän omaisuudelle taikka joka aiheutuu 1 momentissa tarkoitetuista toimenpiteistä. Jos vahingon suuruus ja muut olosuhteet huomioon ottaen on erityistä syytä, voidaan korvausta sovitella. (23.12.1976/107)

5 §

Joka rikkoo tätä lakia tai sen nojalla annettuja määräyksiä, tuomitaan sakkoon, jollei häntä muun lain nojalla ole tuomittava ankarampaan rangaistukseen.



ONLY IN TEXAS - these are real city names!

Need to be cheered up?
Happy, Texas 79042
Pep, Texas 79353
Smiley, Texas 78159
Paradise, Texas 76073
Rainbow, Texas 76077
Sweet Home, Texas 77987
Comfort, Texas 78013
Friendship, Texas 76530

Want something to eat?

Noodle, Texas 79536
Oatmeal, Texas 78605
Turkey, Texas 79261
Trout, Texas 75789
Sugar Land, Texas 77479
Salty, Texas 76567
Rice, Texas 75155

Feel like traveling outside the country? Don't bother buying a plane ticket!

Athens, Texas 75751
Canadian, Texas 79014
China, Texas 77613
Egypt, Texas 77436
Turkey, Texas 79261
London, Texas 76854
New London, Texas 75682
Paris, Texas 75460

No need to travel to Washington D.C.: Whitehouse, Texas 75791
We even have a city named after our planet!: Earth, Texas 79031
And a city named after our State!: Texas City, Texas 77590
Exhausted?: Energy, Texas 76452
Cold?: Blanket, Texas 76432 and Winters, Texas
Need Office Supplies? Staples, Texas 78670
Men are from Mars, woman are from and women are from? Venus, Texas 76084

Other city names in Texas, to make you smile.....
Frognot, Texas 75424
Bigfoot, Texas 78005
Cactus, Texas 79013
Notrees, Texas 79759
Best, Texas 76932
Veribest, Texas 76886
Kickapoo, Texas 75763
Dime Box, Texas
Telephone, Texas 75488
Telegraph, Texas 76883
Whiteface, Texas 79379
Twitty, Texas 79079

and don't forget......Farewell, Texas

1) When  your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your  hair.
2) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second
3) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
4) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
5) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
6) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
7) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
8) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
9) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

1)  Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

1)  Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3)  When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6)  Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7)  Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants
At age 12 success is . . . having friends
At age 18 success is . . . having a drivers license
At age 35 success is . . . having money
At age 50 success is . . . having money
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license
At age 75 success is . . . having friends
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants


'Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose.'
'The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'
'The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant; it's just that they know so much that isn't so.'
'I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.'
'Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.'
'The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.'
'Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.'
'Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.'
'No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.'
'If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under.'

Without C we'd have to program in OBOL, Pasal, Basi, Orale or ++ 
The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.
A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why. 
"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once"
- The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo -
- The original name for butterfly was flutterby –
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
 - Celery has negative calories; it takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with -
 - Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest -
A law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing
- The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries –
- Bats always turn left when exiting a cave -

1) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
2) The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
3) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
4) The Italians drink large amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
5)The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
6) Ukrainians drink lots of vodka eat a lot of perogies, cabbage rolls, and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it
will digest itself.

A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2".
- During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur," a small red car can be seen in the distance –
- By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand -
On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
- There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver -
If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
- Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves -
- The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."
- The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so the called themselves Motorola.
- Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
- The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
- The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
- Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
- Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
- Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson."
- An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing


Michelangelo Buonarroti
Isaac Newton
Thomas Jefferson
Ludwig Wittgenstein
Nikola Tesla
Vladimir I. Lenin
Andy Warholl
Satoshi Tajiri
Jeremy Bentham
Glenn Gould
Richard Feynman
William Gates
Albert Einstein

  Ein Jude sitzt in einem Zugabteil und liest. Einige Sturmabteilungsmanner steigen ein. Als sie den Juden erblicken, stossen sie sich an und rufen im Chor:
- Heil Hitler!

Der Jude blickt auf und sagt ruhig:
- Meine herren, sie irren sich. Ich bin es nicht, ich bin es wirklich nicht!

  FACTS Of The 1500's
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying,"Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

* * * * * *
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.

* * * * * *
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor."

* * * * * *
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

* * * * * *
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.

Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

* * * * * *
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

* * * * * *
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

* * * * * *
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the
loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

* * * * * *
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes
knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would
take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the
kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and
eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

* * * * * *
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places
to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
"bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins,1 out of 25
coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized
they had been burying people alive.

So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it
through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone
would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift" to
listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was
considered a "dead ringer."

As we enter the political season, no matter whom you support keep
these basic rules in mind

Rules of Washington:
** If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.
** Don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
** An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.
** The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
** Chicken little only has to be right once.
** "NO" is only an interim response.
** If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
** The truth is a variable.
** A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent.
** You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in
principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.
** A promise is not a guarantee.
** If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting.

These Are THE RULES!!!
Passover is not the only holiday to have rules. Men have rules too!
Some of the men have complained that they always hear "the rules"
from the female side. In the interest of equal time, here are the
rules from the male side.

These are MEN'S RULES!
-Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
-Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
-Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
-Crying is blackmail.
-Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
-Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
- Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
- Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
- Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
-If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
- If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
-You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
-Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
-Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
-ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
-If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
-If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
-When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
-You have enough clothes.
-You have too many shoes.

The story of Moses and COMPUTERS....
"Excuse me, Sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, Sir."
"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh, yeah. I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know. Remember?"
"Sorry, Sir."
"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out."
"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those 'ten things' you sent me?"
"You mean the Commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean 'were important,' Moses? Of course, they're important.
Otherwise, I wouldn't have sent them to you." "Well, sorry, but I
lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course
you would see right through that."
"What do you mean 'you lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"
"No, Sir. I forgot."
"You should always save, Moses."
"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though."
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'? Can he change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."
"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"
"The term is 'spamming,' Moses."
"Oh, yeah. I E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what did he say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those -- er -- plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"
"They're called 'viruses,' Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."
"We'll do it the new way, Moses."
"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than You, and I really like Your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why didn't you name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,' because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yet, a couple of the 'ten things' have come back."
Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let's see ........'Thou shalt not steal from any grave and image' and....... 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."


Vay iz meer
An expression which closely resembles "Woe is Me", and is cried out
by Jewish parents every 15 minutes. An anthem of true suffering.

The male reproductive member, primarily used for urinating and ---
Larger than a schmeckel. Similar to a schmuck. A common term for male in-laws.

Yet another term for the male member, most often used to describe a
man with an attitude of arrogant stupidity. Nice logic there, if you
think about it. A common term for former male in-laws and business

An endearing term of love which means "little man". An emasculating
term for women to call men, if you think about it. But who has time
to think?

Gefilte Fish
A tasty mix of congealed fish parts and transparenslime jelly. The
only food it is permissible for Jewish children to refuse. In some
families, they may even be allowed to gag, but politely.

A derogatory term which best refers to a female business associate or
a mother-in-law. The closest English equivalent is "b-tch".

A call-girl, or prostitute. Also known as Nafkeh.

A yummy blend of overcooked noodles, raisins, and curds of ripe
cheese. Not fun to look at. When lathered with sour cream makes an
excellent artery hardener.

A purple soup made from beets and ammonia. Often eaten by elderly
Ashkenazic Jews who slurp noisily. Tastes best when it stinks to high

Also referred to as matzoh balls. There isn't a laxative in the world
strong enough to counteract them.

A man who messes things up, always loses and feels miserable. An
unfortunate jerk. Closely related to Schlemazel and Schlemiell. Every
family has at least one.

A jerk who can't do anything right. In simple terms, someone who's
always spilling his soup.

The poor dumb guy a Schlemiell is always spilling soup on.

A guy with a small male membez. A person who is a "nothing". May be
used to describre an ex-partner or ex-son-in-law.

A word referring to all problems, trouble, grief, aggravation and
heartache. Examples: daughter pregnant with child of an unemployed
bartender, adult son loses job and moves back home. Major Tsuris:
Daughter and baby "Bridget" move back home too.

Ken in- a- hura
A gleeful rejoice used when Jewish parents find out their daughter is
going to marry the Jewish surgeon rather than that poor, unemployed
goyishe bartender.

L'Bidurchem/The Humor Section

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes
age, weight and height. Let the
doctors worry about them. That is why you pay " them " .

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer,
crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain
idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life,
is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, Whether
it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants,
hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve
it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is
beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the
mall, even to the next county; to a foreign
country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we
take, but by the moments that take our breath

And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares?
But do share this with someone. We all need to
live life to its fullest each day.

Things we Probably Didn't Know

1. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

2. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

3. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

4. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse
has both front legs in the air, the person died
in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the
air the person died as a result of wounds
received in battle. If the horse has all four
legs on the ground, the person died of natural

5. 'I am.' is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

6. Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.

7. Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far
would you have to go until you could find the
letter a?
A. One thousand.

8. Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes,
windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in
A. All invented by women.

9. Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

10. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were
secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled
on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the
bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase
'goodnight, sleep tight'.

11 . It was the accepted practice in Babylon
4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his
son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead
is a honey beer and because their calendar was
lunar based, this period was called the honey
month or what we know today as the honeymoon.

12. In ancient England a person could not have
sex unless you had consent of the King (unless
you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted
to have a baby, they got consent of the King who
gave them a placard that they hung on their door
while they were having sex. The placard had:
"Fornication Under Consent of the King" on it.
Now you know where that acronym came from.

13. Last but not least: In Scotland, a new game
was invented. It was entitled "Gentlemen Only,
Ladies Forbidden" and thus the word GOLF entered
into the English language.

In the Zoo
Moishe, a Jewish actor is so down and out,  he's ready to take any
acting gig that he can find.  Finally, he gets a lead, a classified
ad that says,
"Actor needed to play an ape."

"I could do that," says Moishe. To his surprise, the employer turns
out to be the Central Park Zoo in New York. Owing to mismanagement,
the zoo has spent so much money renovating the  grounds and improving
the habitat, they can
no longer afford to import the ape to replace the recently deceased
one, so, until they can,  they'll put an actor in an ape suit.

Out of desperation, Moishe takes the offer. At first, his conscience
keeps nagging him,  that he is being dishonest by fooling the
zoo-goers. Moishe also feels undignified in  the ape suit, stared at
by the crowds who
watch his every move. But after a few days on  the job, he begins to
enjoy all the attention and  starts to put on a show for all the

Moishe hangs upside down from the branches  by his legs, swinging
about on the vines,  climbing up the cage walls and roaring with  all
his might, while beating on his chest.  Soon, he's drawing a sizable
crowd. One day,
when Moishe is swinging on the vines to show  off to a group of
school kids, his hand slips  and he goes flying over the fence into
the  neighboring cage, the lion's den.

Terrified, Moishe backs up as far from the approaching lion as he
can, covers his eyes  with his paws and prays at the top of his lungs,
"Shama Yisroel Ad-nai Elokeinu, Ad-nai Achad!"

The lion opens his powerful jaws  and roars the response,
"Baruch Sh-m K'vod Malchuto L'olam Va'ed"

 From a nearby cage, a panda yells,  "Be quiet, you'll get us all fired."

Disorder in the American Courts
Things  people actually said in court, word for  word, taken down and now published
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your  memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us  an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS:  Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How  long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why  did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in  voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did  you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what! were you doing at that time?

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By  death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a  deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is  how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on  dead
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go  to?

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr.  Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table  wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Half truths
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime  you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the

7. The  things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk
left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty

Quarter truths
1) Life isn't like a  box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of
jalapenos -- you  never know what's going to burn you.

2) I love deadlines. I  especially like the whooshing sound they make as
they go flying by.

3) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without

4)  Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there
the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.

5) My reality check bounced.

6) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape  key.

7) I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!

8)  You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

9)  Everyone is someone else's  weirdo.

10) Never argue with an  idiot. They drag you down to their level then
  beat you with experience.

11)  Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall  never
cease to be  amused.

The Ark
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark
One : Don't miss the boat.
Two : Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three : Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four : Stay fit When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do
something really big.
Five : Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six : Build your future on high ground.
Seven : For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight : Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board
with the cheetahs.
Nine : When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten : Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE

When you rearrange the letters:TWELVE PLUS ONE

Jewish Holiday Guide for Dummies (or the non-Jew)

As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which
you must starve and days on which you must overeat. Many Jews observe no
fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year based on the time-honored
principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you
definitely are not. Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no
holidays requiring light snacking -- and definitely no pork.

Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash
Wednesday) on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This
is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more
stressed out.

The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:

Rosh Hashanah -- Feast

Tzom Gedalia - Fast

Yom Kippur -- Fasting, big time!

Sukkot -- More Feasting

Hashanah Rabbah -- Keep Feasting

Simchat Torah -- Still More Feasting

Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a month - Get a grip on yourself.

Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes and other fried foods

Tenth of Tevet -- Don't eat potato pancakes

Tu B'Shevat -- Feast

Fast of Esther -- Fast

Purim -- Eat pastry

Passover -- Do not eat pastry. Oy!

Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)

17th of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)

Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or

Month of Elul -- End of cycle.

Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again

10 KÄSKYÄ - lasten suusta kuultuna
1. Älä varasta köyhiltä, jos he huomaavat. (Frida 6v.)
2. Älä anna vauvoille sipulia. Minä olen kerran kokeillut. (Thea 7v.)
3. Lyö toista vain jos on ihan pakko. (Henriette 7v.)
4. Älä puhu pahaa kenenkään selän vieressä. (Oscar 7v.)
5. Ole niin kiltti kuin pystyt, mutta muuten voit tehdä mitä haluat. (Glenn 6v.)
6. Kuuntele aina äitiä, ja sitä mitä äänensävyä hän käyttää. (Thomas 7v.)
7. Varjele itseäsi. (Kristin 8v.)
8. Jos joku lyö sinua, niin ole kuin et kuulisikaan. (Sebastian 6v.)
9. Rakasta Jumalaa tosi paljon, vaikka se on vaikeaa eikä häntä näy vaikka huutaisi "Tule esiin! " (Robin 6v.)
10.Älä himoitse aviopuolisosi asioita. Ja Äitienpäivänä pitää laulaa, muuten alkaa jumalaton meteli. (Tom 9v.)

- "Ahven syö hyttysiä ja ihmisijä jalasta."
- "Villisian paino on 200 km ja se syö keitettyjä perunoita."
- "Talitiainen syö risuja ja talvihyönteisiä."
- "Jääkarhulla on jalkojen välissä raajat."

Miksi lepakko käyttää kaikuluotainta? - "Näön vuoksi."

Kerro lepakon talvesta. - "Se vaipuu rakennukseen."

Miten karhu selviää syömättä talven yli? - "Se kerää ravintoa kurkkuun."

Suden sukulaisia? - "Supikoira,konoottija pingo."

Koirarotuja? - "Kuumekoira,buuderi."

"Tunturisopuli elää norjan neuvostoliitossa."
"Kyy on selkärangaton nisäkäs."
"Sorsa kuuluu räpylijalkaisiin."
"Kalan lisääntyminen on kidu. Naaras mätii ja koiras perällä hautomaan."
"Visentti on vihree nyrsijä."

Hyönteisen muodonvaihdos? - "Se muna, kuoriutuu, imetys, aikuinen

Mitä tarkoitetaan yhteyttämisellä? - "Kasvit menee yhteen ja tekee tärkkelystä."

Vipuja? - "Harmooni,pulpetti,lentokoneen se."
Mitä etuja on pyörän keksimisestä? - "Neliskanttinen pyörä tomppii."

Mitä tarkoittaa akustiikka? - "Huono onni."
Mistä saadaan polttoainetta? - "Kaivosta ja merestä." - "Ne ovat syntyneet hiilihieksistä."
Yleisin tulipalon syy? - "Huolimattomasti sammutettu kynttilä."
Veden saastuttajia? - "Likaiset jalat ja koko ruumis."
Veden alkuaineet ? - "Itku, jää ja lumi."
Planeettoja ? - "Jupiter ja tunturi"
"Polkupyörää on ohjattava niin että on kumpikin jalka polkimilla ja ainakin toinen käsi. Pyörän pakollisiin varusteisiin kuuluu kissankello."
"Kun haukottelee äänihuulet aukee kun puhuu ne aukee."
Hengityselimiä kohtaavia vaaroja? - "Rään vetäminen keuhkoihin ja hengityksen pidäminen."
- "Hengitämme, että saisimme liikuntaa."
Hengityselimet? - "Nielurisat,nenärauhasetja nenäkarvat."
Ruoansulatuselimet? - "Tuma,ohutsuoli,paksusuli,nenä,suu ja keuhkokurkku."
Sydämen tehtävä? - "Jos ei olisi sydäntä tai se olisi epäkunnossa paljon ihmisiä kuolisi heti."
- "Sydän pumppaa ilmaa ruumiiseen." - "Se elättää ruumista ettei henki loppuisi."
Veren osat ? - "Vettä ja kyyneliä."

Kuka oli Suomen 1. piispa? - "Henrik Luther King"
10. käsky? - "Älä himoitse väärää ihmistä" - "Älä ylenkatso lähimmäisesi aviopuolisoa"
Mitä tapahtui pitkäperjantaina? - "Jeesus ristittiin, tuli maanjäristys ja esiliina repesi" - "Sotilaat löivät rieskalla Jeesusta"
Selitä sanat rabbi ja spitaali: - "Ropri ja rakotauti"
"Turussa oli keskiajalla sikamaista." "Vapaussodassa taistelivat punakaartilaiset ja valkoihoiset."
"Ihmiskunnan suurin keksintö on nuolenpääkirjoitus."
Kuka keksi radion? - "Juha Whatvainio"
"Kehruu-Jenny oli William Shakespeare ja häntä sanottiin Kehruu-Jennyksi, koska hän keksi kehruukoneen."
"Suomen keskiaikaiset piispat olivat Matti Maaton, Vaskodakama ja Kristoverkolumpus."
Mikä on muumio? - "Kun ihminen kuolee ja nahka rasvataan ja se pannaan kuivumaan"
- "Juutalaiset menevät synagoogaan sillä tavalla, että naiset menevät kuistille ja miehet nurkkaan."
- "Galileo Galilei teki putoamisliikkeita Pisan vinostatornista." -
"Roomassa vainajat piiloutuivat katakombeihin."

- "Mitä Suomesta säilyttäisin, mitä muuttaisin......Mielisairaaloita pitäisi perustaa ja näköalapaikkoja ja muita huvittelukeskuksia."
- "Poliisin tehtäviin kuuluvat ryöstöt, murhat,pahoinpitelyt, liikenteen valvonta ja muut järjestyshäiriot."
- "Punalutku istui oksalla" - "Isä eli onnellisena isänpäivän loppuun asti"
- "He löivät vanginvartija Ärjälää lapiolla, joka oli Helena Ärjälän isä"
- "Hirvi kellastui maahan ja meeri lensi käsieni väliin"
- "Ihmisiä kuoli suurin joukoin nälänhädän puutteen vuoksi"
- "Pasi on niin mielikuvituksen alainen, että tekee leekoista kaikkea"
- Tunnin aherruksen tulos aiheesta Kissa: - "Kisalla on pikä händä"

Kylmäkkö - "Julma ihminen" - "Etonnut nainen"
Romanssi - "Toinen pitää toisesta ja se on semmoista" - "Lovistoori"
- "Riptiisi" - "Hermoraunio"

Mitä kuuluu ääreishermostoon? - "Karva ja nahka"
Mitkä asiat suojaavat ihmistä huumeilta? - "Impaaminen ja kuolema"
Mitä haittaa on alkoholista? - "Alkoholi aiheuttaa miehillä impotentaasia"
Miten ääni etenee korvassa? - "Se menee toisesta korvasta sisään ja tulee toisesta ulos."
Kukan osat: - "Verhiö, teriö, hetiö, emiö, kukio ja sikiö"
Millainen on siemenen rakenne? - "Siinä on ponsi, sikeäinen ja selkäranka"

"Ekana täytyy löytää joku joka tykkää samoista asioista ku itte. Jos esimerkiks tykkää jalkapallosta, täytyy löytää vaimo joka tuo chipsejä ja kaljaa" Alain 10v
"Ei voi ite päättää koska menee naimisiin. Jumala päättää sen kauan etukäteen ja sitten sitä näkee kuka se on ku se roikkuu kaulassa" Kirsten 10v

"Paras ikä mennä naimisiin on 23 vuotta, kun on ainakin 10 vuotta tuntenut jo aviomiehensä" Camille 10v
"Ei ole mitään parasta ikää mennä naimisiin. Täytyy olla tosi tyhmä mennäkseen naimisiin" Freddie 6v

"Ne ei haluaa enempää lapsia" Aure 8v

"Treffit on sitä varten, että huvitellaan ja ihmisten pitää olla treffeillä että opitaan tuntemaan toisensa. Jopa pojilla on joskus jotain mielenkiintosta sanottavaa, jos oikeen tarpeeksi kauan kuuntelee." Linette 8v
"Ekoilla treffeillä sanotaan toisilleen mielenkiintoisia valheita, niin sitten ollaan valmiita seuraaville treffeille" Martin 10v

"Menisin kotiin ja leikkisin että oon kuollut. Sitten soittaisin lehteen ja sanoisin että pankaa muistoilmoitus" Craig 9v

"No silloin kun ne on rikkaita miehiä." Pamela 7v
"Jos pussaat tyttöä, sun täytyy sitte mennä naimisiin ja saada lapsia sen kanssa. Sillai se vaan on.." Henri 8v

"Tytöille on kyllä parempi että ovat sinkkuja. Mutta pojat tarttee jonkun siivoomaan." Anita 9v

"No vaimoille täytyy sanoo et ne on kauniita. Myös sillon vaik ne näyttäs pakettiautoilta" Richard 10v.

Ennen ihmiset oli jaettu rotuihin - hienot ja epähienot. Hienot olivat rikkaita ja niillä oli varaa ostaa shampoota ja hiusgeeliä, kun epähienommat saivat tyytyä kirppuihin ja täihin.
Christian, 6 vuotta
Ennen ei lapset olleet niin hemmoteltuja. Niillä ei ollut leikkejä eikä sohvatyynyjä eikä mariekeksiä. Sensijaan niillä oli harmaampia tavaroita jotka eivät olleet vaarallisia luonnolle.
H*kan, 6 v

Luulen että ihmiset olivat ennen onnellisempia. Ainakin näytti siltä. Nykyään lapset pakotetaan nauramaan ja näyttämään iloisilta. Mattias, 6 v

Ennen hammaslääkäri oli vaarallinen henkilö. Hän käytti rautatankoja ja veti joka puolelta pois hampaita. Jopa viisaudenhampaat hän veti.
Dag Emil, 7 v

Kun ennen mentiin naimisiin, se oli siksi että valtio käski ja Pappien mielestä oli paras niin. Nykyään saa ottaa avopuolison toisensa jälkeen ilman että valtio sanoo edes bää tai muu...
Tove, 7 v

Ennen eivät isät saaneet synnyttää lapsia. Sitä pidettiin epämusikaalisena. Mutta nykyään on tavallista että äiti ja isä synnyttävät lapsen yhdessä.
Kathrine, 6 v

Kun mennään naimisiin, organismi soittaa surumarssia kun morsian kulkee miestään kohti.
Stina, 6 v

Ei ole pakko mennä naimisiin kirkossa. Voi mennä naimisiin sosiaalitoimistossa. Tai voi muuttaa yhteen ilman että kertoo kenellekään. Pääasia on että tietää sen itse.
Nina, 6 v

Kun menee naimisiin, niin ei saa nauraa. Ja sitten ei saa sanoa ei.
Cathrine, 5 v

Kun menee naimisiin täytyy antaa toisilleen vaitiololupaus. Ellei sitä pidä, täytyy erota ja silloin täytyy jakaa lamput ja veitset ja yleensä ei pystytä sopimaan kuka ottaa lapset. Ne jotka ei pysty sopimaan siitä joutuvat menemään pörssimeklarille. Hän päättää että toinen saa lapset ja toinen saa sen sijaan ylimääräisen ruokapöydän.
Regina, 7 v

Jos alkaa tulla vanhaksi ja keksii ettei halua kuolla, voi ottaa vitamiinipillereitä ja ulostuspillereitä.
Nina, 6 v

Äkkiä yhtenä aamuna herää ja on saanut harmaat hiukset. Sitten hyppää
ylös sängystä ja tuijottaa peiliin, mutta ei auta vaikka kuinka huutaa apua.
Ellen, 6 v

Ellei meillä olisi vanhoja ihmisiä menisivät kaikki keppitehtaat ja tekohammastehtaat konkurssiin.
Kathrine, 6 v

Vanhainkoti on eräänlainen kennel vanhoille ihmisille. Perheet voivat jättää vanhukset sinne jos ovat lähdössä lomalle tai haluavat olla rauhassa.Vaikka niitten ei tarvitse pitää hihnaa.
Pelle, 6 v

Jos on mielestään tullut naamasta ryppyiseksi, voi ottaa kasvojenkohotuksen. Silloin pitää mennä kampaajalle ja istua tuoliin. Sitten ne leikkaavat rypyt pois ja hitsaavat päälle nuoren ja reippaan ilmeen.
Agnethe, 10 v

Lasten suusta: Aikaa tarvitaan kiireeseen.
EETU 6 v.

Rakkaus tuntuu jaloissa. Ne kävelee sinne päin johon on rakastunut.

Iloisena olo tuntuu päässä. Tarkemmin sanoen huulissa, kun nehän vain venyy ja venyy.
JULI 6 v.

Jos ei voi saada lapsia, voi lääkäri tehdä sellaisen koeputkessa. Mutta useimmat lapset on tehty tavallisissa putkissa.
FRED 7 v.

Ei ole oikein hyvä, jos raskaana olevilla naisilla on munalikööriä pissassa.
TOVE 9 v.

Ei vanheneminen ole vaikeaa. Kulkee vain virran mukana.
LINN 6 v.

Kun ihmiset tulevat vanhoiksi, he eivät enää sano että he rakastavat toisiaan. Silloin he kysyvät, että ottaako kahvin kanssa pikkuleipää.
TORD 7 v.

Mulla on viisi mummoa... vaari on vähän kertonut.
PIA 4 v.

Tätien ja setien ruumiissa on se ero, että tätien ruumiissa on enemmän salaisia paikkoja molemmissa päissä.

Naiset koostuvat munasarjoista ja siksi he ajattelevat enemmän.
SIRI 6 v.

Nenä on oikeastaan lihas, jolla hengitetään. Mutta sitä voi myös käyttää rään kuljettamiseen.
EMIL 6 v.

Aivot ovat sitä varten, että hiukset pysyisivät kiinni.
NINA 5 v.

Ihmisellä on monenlaista nahkaa. Esinahka on edessä ja takanahka on takana.

Jos ei ole hermoja, niin tekee paremmin työtä ja ehtii tehdä enemmän asioita.

Ihmisen ja eläinten ero on siinä, että kun siat ovat lihoneet tarpeeksi, ne syödään.
ARVID 6 v.

Äidin nimi on kana ja isän nimi on uros, lapset ovat kilejä ja lapsenlapset ovat munia.

Jotkut lehmät ovat mustia. Ne ovat maahanmuuttajia.
KARIN 5 v.

Ei lapset tee hölmöjä asioita. Niillä on omat syynsä.
ANNA 7 v.

Isänäideillä ja äidinäideillä on valtavan isot rintaliivit. Ne ovat niin isot, että toiseen kuppiin mahtuu minun takapuoleni kokonaan ja molemmat polvet. Toisessa on tilaa minun veljelle.
KATJA 7 v.

Isoäiti on sellainen, jonka kautta koko suku on tullut ulos. Siksi ei ole niin kummallista, että hänen nahkansa vähän lerppuu.

Vaari on niin vanha, ettei enää muista miksi hän pitää naisista.
TORE 8 v.

Isoisä makaa hautakiven alla. Taputamme häntä kivelle ja kerran kaivoimme maahan sipuleita, että hänellä olisi jotain purtavaa.
SIRI 5 v.

Isoäiti on ollut isoisoäidin mahassa, äiti on ollut isoäidin mahassa ja minä olen ollut äidin mahassa. Mutta minun mahassa on vain lihapullia.

Kun kello on kaksitoista, kaikki kääntyvät Mekkaan päin ja purevat maton hapsuja.

On tyhmää että täytyy kuolla. Minusta ei ihmisiä tarvitsisi vaihtaa koko ajan. Minä olen sitä mieltä, että jos täällä kerran ollaan niin ollaan sitten.

Koppoo kiinni tästä päevästä - huomisessa on omat kahvasa.
Misteepä sen tietää mihinkä pystyy ennen kun kokkeiloo.
Anna kaekkes, vuan elä periks.
Lukemalla ee uimaan opi. Vetteen se on mäntävä.
Pritti tuumii istuissaan, ranskalaenen seesoessaan,ameriikkalaenen ajjaissaan, suomalaenen jäläkeen päen ja savolaenen kuhanpahan jollonnii...
Joes et opettele naaramaan vaekeoksille, niin millees sitten vanahana naarat?
Et ossoo naatiskella jootilaesuuvesta jos sinulla ee oo paljo töetä..
Ikkee tulloo, vuan vanahaks ee tarvihe tulla.
Turha hättäely ja voohuilu on mieljkuvituksen viärinkäättöö..
Huominen on monasti viikon kiireisin päevä.
Naarattele ja suat kaverija, ärvötä nuama rutussa niin suat ryppyjä pärstääs.
Monasti voettajat on hävinneitä, jotka piätti koettoo kerran vielä.
Elämän tarkotus on murheen karkotus.
Joka ihteesä luottaa, se kykysä tuploo.
Kompastelu voep estee kuatumisen.
Kaks syytä olla tekemättä mittään:
  1. Oot yrittännä sitä ennennii.
  2. Et oo ennenkään yrittännä sitä.
Leoka pystyyn kun tulloo kova paekka; - pyssyypähän aenae suu kiinni.
Jos mieles tyhjennöö, elä unneuta katkasta iäntä.
Liian paljo hyvvee on ihanoo.
Ne tekköö jotka ossoo. Jotka ee ossoo, ne arvostelloo.
Menestys on kun pieru - muu kun oma ee hyvälle haese.
Murheen kantaa yksinnii vuan illoon pittää olla kaks.
Jos ymmärrät kaeken, oot varmasti käsittännä viärin.
Rahalla et voe ostoo ystäviä, mutta suatpahan tasokkaeta vihollisija.
Naara itelles ennen kun muut kerkijää.

Älä vie pommia lentokoneeseen! Se on ankarasti kiellettyä! Do not take you bomb to an aeroplane! It is strictly forbidden!



...we must first look into the use of this term 'fundamentalist'. On the most common contemporary academic use of the term, it is a term of abuse or disapprobation, rather like 'son of a bitch', more exactly 'sonovabitch', or perhaps still more exactly (at least according to those authorities who look to the Old West as normative on matters of pronunciation) 'sumbitch'. When the term is used in this way, no definition of it is ordinarily given. (If you called someone a sumbitch, would you feel obliged first to define the term?) Still, there is a bit more to the meaning of 'fundamentalist' (in this widely current use): it isn't simply a term of abuse. In addition to its emotive force, it does have some cognitive content, and ordinarily denotes relatively conservative theological views. That makes it more like 'stupid sumbitch' (or maybe 'fascist sumbitch') than 'sumbitch' simpliciter. It isn't exactly like that term either, however, because its cognitive content can expand and contract on demand; its content seems to depend on who is using it. In the mouths of certain liberal theologians, for example, it tends to denote any who accept traditional Christianity, including Augustine, Aquinas, Luther, Calvin, and Barth; in the mouths of devout secularists like Richard Dawkins or Daniel Dennett, it tends to denote anyone who believes there is such a person as God. The explanation is that the term has a certain indexical element: its cognitive content is given by the phrase 'considerably to the right, theologically speaking, of me and my enlightened friends.' The full meaning of the term, therefore (in this use), can be given by something like 'stupid sumbitch whose theological opinions are considerably to the right of mine'.

Nevertheless, things you should not state at your dissertation defense:



Lessons on Life
There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to
judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn,
to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away. The
first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in
summer, and the youngest son in the fall. When they had all gone and
come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen.

The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted. The
second son said no it was covered with green buds and full of
promise. The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms
that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most
graceful thing he had ever seen. The last son disagreed with all of
them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and

The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because
they had each seen but only one season in the tree's life. He told
them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season,
and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love
that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all
the seasons are up. If you give up when it's winter, you will miss
the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, fulfillment of
your fall.

Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest.
Don't judge life by one difficult season.
Persevere through the difficult patches and better times are sure to
come some time.

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly. Leave the Rest to God.
Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keep You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But Only God keeps You Going!

"Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast.
It is not proud, not rude.
Not self-seeking, not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs."
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not
easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." 1 Corinthians 13: 4-5

Füsse warm, Schädel kalt,
bleib gesund, werde alt!