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Dinoglyyfit
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- Esihistorialliset eläimet
historiankirjoissa - Prehistoric Creatures
Documented by the Ancient Man



















Signatures
Siguja
Aforismeja
Aphorisms
Pauli J. Ojala
M. Sci. Master of Sciing
Subway scientist, Pneumology
Bogus enterprise
"If Microsoft, one of these days, invents something that does not suck... It
most probably will be a Microsoft vacuum cleaner."
-Linus Torvalds, the Finnish father of the shareware Linux operating system–
"The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant…"
"It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education…"
"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18…"
"For you look what everyone has always looked and try to see what nobody has seen
before"
- Uncle Albert -
- If we knew what we were doing, it would not be called re-search
-Albert Einstein -
'If I would be a young man again and had to decide how to make my living, I
would not try to become a scientist or scholar or teacher. I would rather choose
to be a plumber or a peddler in the hope to find that modest degree of
independence still available under present circumstances.'
- Albert Einstein, a physicist -
"Ongelmaa ei voi ratkaista sen tyyppisell ajattelulla, jolla se saatiin
aikaan."
- Albert Einstein -
"Comrade Stalin found time even for detailed examination of the most important
problems of biology... He directly edited the plan of my paper, 'On the
Situation in Biological Science,' in detail, explained to me his corrections,
and provided me with directions as to how to write certain passages in the paper."
- Trofim Lysenko, an agronomist, in Pravda (Truth) in 1953 -
"Menneisyytemme on hirvittävä.
Nykyisyyttä emme kestä.
Onneksi meillä ei ole tulevaisuutta."
(Seinäkirjoitus pommitetun Belgian raunioissa vuonna 1941.)
'A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in
the library'
- Frank Westheimer -
- Hi! I'm your friendly neighbourhood signature virus.
Copy me to your signature file and help me spread! -
- First they say your ideas are wrong. Next they agree your ideas are right but
they are not important. Then they agree they are both right and important but
give the credit to someone else -
Success cannot be advertized. Failure cannot be explained. Truth shall make you
free. - Toisinto Yhdysvaltain keskustiedustelutoimiston palavereista –
- In a cavern, in a canyon, lived a DATA-miner, 18fortyniner -
"The miracle of the appropriateness of the language of mathematics for the
formulation of the laws of physics is a wonderful gift which we neither
understand nor deserve."
-Eugene P. Wigner -
Nine for the mortal cells, doomed to differentiate
- J. R. R. Tolkien, revisited -
If this were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable
fiction.
Twelfth night, Act 3 Scene 4 - FABIAN
The geneticist Richard Lewontin, an outspoken proponent of evolution and
adversary of creation/design, illustrated this point rather well.
"Our willingness to accept scientific claims that are against common sense
is the key to an understanding of the real struggle between science and
the supernatural. We take the side of science in spite of the patent
absurdity of some of its constructs, in spite of its failure to fulfill
many of its extravagant promises of health and life, in spite of the
tolerance of the scientific community for unsubstantiated just-so stories,
because we have a prior commitment, a commitment to materialism. It is
not that the methods and institutions of science somehow compel us to
accept a material explanation of the phenomenal world, but, on the
contrary, that we are forced by our a priori adherence to material causes
to create an apparatus of investigation and a set of concepts that produce
material explanations, no matter how counterintuitive, no matter how
mystifying to the uninitiated.
Moreover, that materialism is absolute, for we cannot allow a Divine Foot
in the door."
"Billions and Billions of Demons" New York Review of Books, January 9,
1997, p. 28.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
In practice, however, there is.
- Doug Rosenberg –
Be not merely good; be good for something.
- Henry David Thoreau -
It is better to ask some of the questions than to know all the answers
- James Thurber -
We had an unlimited budget and we exceeded it
- Jay Chiat -
The idea is there, locked inside, and all you have to do is to remove the excess
stone
- Michelangelo -
I am a great believer in luck, an I find the harder I work, the more I have of
it
- Stephen Lealock -
To be persuasive, we must be believable; to be believable, we must be credible;
to be credible, we must be truthful
- Edward R. Murrow -
basic law of journalism is: "If it bleeds it leads!"
Tyytyväisyys on viisasten kivi - tyytyväisyys muuttaa kullaksi kaiken mitä se
koskettaa
Benjamin Franklin
"Assumptions can be dangerous, especially in science. They usually start as the
most plausible or comfortable interpretation of the available facts. But when
their truth cannot be immediately tested and their flaws are not obvious,
assumptions often graduate to articles of faith, and new observations are forced
to fit them. Eventually, if the volume of troublesome information becomes
unsustainable, the orthodoxy must collapse."
-John S. Mattick
"A paradigm sets the problem[s] to be solved (p. 27) in its domain -- and also
provides the accepted standards of solution (p. 103) for those problems. To a
great extent these are the only problems the community will accept as scientific
or encourage its members to undertake."
-Thomas Kuhn, The Structure of Scientific Revolutions (p. 37) -
"A paradigm sets the problem[s] to be solved in its domain -- and also provides
the accepted standards of solution for those problems. To a great extent these
are the only problems the community will accept as scientific or encourage its
members to undertake."
-Thomas Kuhn, The Structure of Scientific Revolutions -
"I think the worst censorhip we all face is internal - the fear of departing
from the path approved by our peers. No matter how powerful the arguments
against a viewpoint, it is very difficult for them to really register with us as
long as we are living within a milieu in which alternatives are simply
inthinkable."
-James Barham
"Contrary to common myth, Galileo suffered very little abuse at the hands of the
Catholic Church. He was never tortured, he never faced death. In fact, he was
never imprisoned. His penalty was house arrest at a pleasant villa on the
outskirts of Florence, Italy. Galileo's problems with the church stemmed far
less from his astronomical and physical views than from his lack of diplomacy,
and from his impertinence in trying to instruct the church on how to interpret
Scriptures, as some Protestants had attempted to do in the previous century.
Furthermore, in writing his controversial book, Galileo had the impertinence to
attribute the Pope's views to a simple-minded character named Simplicius. This
Pope [Urban VIII] had once been a patron of Galileo's and had supported his
scientific efforts, so such a lack of diplomacy turned even the Pope against his
one-time friend."
-Ron Numbers-
Be it cancer, podcasting, hurricane, bankruptcy,
autism, celebrities or other hot trends that makes you move - acknowledge the
roots of your culture.
Culture is the soil where you grow.
Minds are like parachutes… they only function when they are open
- Thomas Dewar
- Evolution is not the basis of biological science, it's the box into which
biological science, supposedly, must be stuffed -
- Blut ist ein ganz besondrer Saft - (M. A. Numminen sings Wittgenstein and
Goethe)
Goethego (Faust 1, 4), Mefisto.
KRAEPELININ MUISTOLLE
Tuo joka liikkuu tuolla lailla nykien
on skitsofreenikko
Tuo liikkumaton on katatoonikko
Se joka istuu alasti eristyshuoneessa
on masennustilassa
Tuo joka leijuu puoli senttiä irti lattiasta
on maaninen
Tuo jolla on kouristuksia on kaatumatautinen
Tuo joka tuijottaa noin on idiootti
Se joka seisoo koko päivän suihkussa
on pakkoneurootikko
Se joka hirtti itsensä on kuollut
Ne jotka katselevat ihmeissään tätä kaikkea
on henkilökunta
Claes Andersson:
"Hulluudestamme ja hulluudestanne"
(Kraepelin oli tiedemies, joka systematisoi 1800-luvun lopussa hulluuden
määritelmät, mm. Törmäsin kaveriin aikanaan skandeeraillessani suomalaiset
biologian oppikirjat läpi yliopiston kirjastoilla ja Pasilan kaupunginkirjaston
varastolla. Hän löysi alzheimerin vaikka sen kaverinsa mukaan nimesikin. Kuvasi
myös skitsofrenian ja maanisdepressiivisen mielialan - sekä yhtä ja toista
'hoitomenetelmää'.)
Wellingtonin herttua ja
Napoleon Bonaparte syntyivät molemmat samana vuonna, 1769; molemmat syntyivät
saarella; kumpikin menetti jo
varhain isänsä; kummallakin oli neljä veljeä ja kolme sisarta; kumpikin kävi
samaan aikaan sotakoulua Ranskassa; kumpikin ylennettiin
everstiluutnantiksi vain päivän väliajoin; kumpikin oli etevä matematiikassa;
kumpikin oli etevä sotilas ja kumpikin komensi suurta
armeijaa. Kumpikin myös muistetaan Waterloon taistelusta, jossa vain toinen
voitti.
Mitä eroa siis oli Wellingtonilla ja Napoleonilla? Toisella oli viisaammat
neuvonantajat, toisella tyhmemmät.
"Aina kun Pavlov näki koiran kuolaavan, tuli hänelle vastustamaton halu soittaa
kelloa" - Toisinto Turun yliopiston kirjaston saniteettitilan ilmoitustaululta -
"Elämä on ihmisen parasta aikaa." - Matti Nykänen –
"Miljoona kärpästä ei voi olla väärässä!" (Syödään paskaa.)
On kolme tapaa saa asia
hoidetuksi:
- Tee se itse
- Palkkaa joku tekemään se
- Kiellä lapsiasi tekemästä sitä
Jokaisen menestyneen miehen takana on yllättynyt anoppi.
Behind every succesful man there is a surprised mother-in-law
LASTEN OMAISUUSLAIT
I Jos tykkään siitä, se on minun.
II Jos pystyn ottamaan sen sinulta, se on minun.
III Jos se oli äsken minulla, se on minun.
IV Jos se on minun, siitä ei millään tule sinun.
V Jos se näyttää minun tavaraltani, se on minun.
VI Jos se on sinun ja pihistän sen, se on minun.
VII Jos luulen sen olevan minun, se on minun.
VIII Jos se on rikki, se on sinun.
Nopein tapa kiinnittää lapsen huomio...
...on istua alas ja näyttää rennolta.
Kaikki valta turmelee. Absoluuttinen valta on tosi siistiä.
Jos tahdot lapsesi kuuntelevan...
...puhu oikein hiljaa, jollekin toiselle.
Yritän ottaa päivän kerrallaan, mutta joskus ne käyvät päälle yhtä aikaa.
Sotamiehen on vasta sitten hyvä olla, kun ensin syö niin paljon että on paha
olla.
Armeija marssii vatsallaan.
Kun on lirissä korvia myöten, kannattaa sulkea suunsa.
Jos pystyt säilyttämään malttisi, kun kaikki muut pimahtavat...
...on mahdollista, ettet ymmärtänyt tilannetta.
Pyrin etenemään töissä pitkälle, mutta pomo löytää minut aina...
...ja hakee pois.
Käteen jäävä palkka ei edes tule käteen.
Minulla on enää yksi hermo jäljellä. Ja sinä käyt siihen.
Kaikkea kohtuudella, myös kohtuutta.
Naimisissa on kiva olla. On ihanaa löytää se ihminen, jota haluaa kiusata
loppuelämänsä.
Parempi hyvin hirressä kuin huonosti naimisissa.
Parisuhde on kuin katiska: Ulkopuolella olevat tahtovat sinne ja sisällä olevat
tahtovat pois.
Miehet on luotu sitä varten, että heille puhuttaisiin. Se auttaa heitä
keskittymään lukemiseensa.
Mennyt myttyyn. Palaan pian.
Faktat ovat ehkä minua vastaan, mutta illuusiot ovat puolellani.
Jos miehet eivät olisi niin yksinkertaisia, naiset eivät olisi niin
monimutkaisia.
Ei huolta. Pysyn rinnallasi aina rahojen loppuun saakka.
Jokaisen vanhan ihmisen sisällä ihmettelee nuori ihminen, mitä oikein tapahtui.
Elämäni on tasapainossa. Älkää tehkö äkkinäisiä liikkeitä.
Miksi sanotaan ett äsinulla on vauva? Vauvalla on sinut.
Perhesuunnittelu: Taito sijoittaa lapset sopivin välein pitämään sinut vararikon
partaalla.
Lapsesi ovat kasvamassa aikuisiksi kun he lakkaavat kyselemästä mistä tulivat...
...ja kieltäytyvät kertomasta minne menevät.
Harva seikka tuottaa niin paljon tyydytystä, kuin nähdä lapsensa teini-ikäisten
vanhempina.
Älä pyydä minua rentoutumaan vain pingotus pitää minut koossa.
Estrogeenit lopussa. Mielialan muutokseen kaksi minuuttia.
"Plasma on kuin imperialismin Afrikka: Kartalla valkoisia läiskiä tohtori
Livingstoneille – timantteja keuhkotautisille Cecil Rhodeseille"
(Toisinto Uudeltamaalta, tuntematon)
"Keksinnön pitää selvitä tieteellisistä, taloudellisista ja lainsäädännöllisistä
esteistä. Lopuksi asiakkaat päättävät sen menestyksen."
J. Paul Getty & "Formula for success: rise early, work hard - strike oil."
SUOMALAISIA LAKEJA / FINLEX LAINSÄÄDÄNTÖ
http://www.finlex.fi/fi/laki/ajantasa/1970/19700616
Laki avaruuslentäjien pelastamisesta ja
palauttamisesta sekä avaruusesineiden palauttamisesta 5.8.1970/616
Eduskunnan päätöksen mukaisesti säädetään:
1 § (23.12.1976/107)
Avaruuslentäjien pelastamisesta ja
palauttamisesta sekä ulkoavaruuteen lähetettyjen esineiden
(avaruusesineiden) palauttamisesta samoin kuin avaruuslentäjien
ja avaruusesineiden yksityisille aiheuttamien kustannusten ja
vahinkojen korvaamisesta on voimassa, mitä tässä laissa säädetään.
Joka havaitsee, että avaruusaluksen
miehistö on joutunut onnettomuuteen tai että se on hätätilassa tahi
on suorittanut pakko- tai tahattoman laskun taikka että avaruusesine
tai sen osa muutoin laskeutuu Suomen alueelle tai siihen liittyvälle
aavalle merelle, on velvollinen viipymättä ilmoittamaan siitä
lähimmälle poliisi-, rajavartio- tai sotilasviranomaiselle sekä
antamaan tarvittaessa avaruusaluksen miehistöön kuuluvan henkilön ja
tämän laitteiden tai kojeiden pelastamiseksi sellaista apua, minkä
hän saattamatta itseään tai ketään muuta vaaraan voi saada aikaan.
Milloin joku löytää esineen, jonka
voidaan epäillä olevan peräisin avaruusesineestä, on löydöstä
viipymättä ilmoitettava lähimmälle poliisi-, rajavartio- tai
sotilasviranomaiselle. Esinettä ei saa viedä pois eikä liikuttaa
ilman viranomaisen lupaa, ellei siihen ole erittäin painavia syitä.
Edellä 1 momentissa tarkoitettu esine
on vaadittaessa luovutettava viranomaiselle. Avaruusesineeseen ei
sovelleta, mitä löytötavaralaissa
(778/88) on säädetty löytötavarasta.
(26.8.1988/781)
Kustannukset, jotka aiheutuvat
yksityiselle edellä 2 ja 3 §:ssä tarkoitetusta ilmoituksen
tekemisestä tai avustustoimenpiteestä taikka esineen talteen
ottamisesta, säilyttämisestä, luovuttamisesta tai palauttamisesta,
korvataan valtion varoista.
Sama on voimassa sellaisen vahingon
korvaamisesta, jonka avaruusesine tai sen laukaisuväline tahi niiden
osa taikka avaruusaluksen miehistöön kuuluva henkilö avaruuslentoon
liittyviä tehtäviä suorittaessaan aiheuttaa yksityiselle tai tämän
omaisuudelle taikka joka aiheutuu 1 momentissa tarkoitetuista
toimenpiteistä. Jos vahingon suuruus ja muut olosuhteet huomioon
ottaen on erityistä syytä, voidaan korvausta sovitella.
(23.12.1976/107)
Joka rikkoo tätä lakia tai sen nojalla
annettuja määräyksiä, tuomitaan sakkoon, jollei häntä muun lain
nojalla ole tuomittava ankarampaan rangaistukseen.
L'Biddurchem/THE HUMOR SECTION
ONLY IN TEXAS - these are real city names!
Need to be cheered up?
Happy, Texas 79042
Pep, Texas 79353
Smiley, Texas 78159
Paradise, Texas 76073
Rainbow, Texas 76077
Sweet Home, Texas 77987
Comfort, Texas 78013
Friendship, Texas 76530
Want something to eat?
Noodle, Texas 79536
Oatmeal, Texas 78605
Turkey, Texas 79261
Trout, Texas 75789
Sugar Land, Texas 77479
Salty, Texas 76567
Rice, Texas 75155
Feel like traveling outside the country? Don't bother buying a plane ticket!
Athens, Texas 75751
Canadian, Texas 79014
China, Texas 77613
Egypt, Texas 77436
Turkey, Texas 79261
London, Texas 76854
New London, Texas 75682
Paris, Texas 75460
No need to travel to Washington D.C.: Whitehouse, Texas 75791
We even have a city named after our planet!: Earth, Texas 79031
And a city named after our State!: Texas City, Texas 77590
Exhausted?: Energy, Texas 76452
Cold?: Blanket, Texas 76432 and Winters, Texas
Need Office Supplies? Staples, Texas 78670
Men are from Mars, woman are from and women are from? Venus, Texas 76084
Other city names in Texas, to make you smile.....
Frognot, Texas 75424
Bigfoot, Texas 78005
Cactus, Texas 79013
Notrees, Texas 79759
Best, Texas 76932
Veribest, Texas 76886
Kickapoo, Texas 75763
Dime Box, Texas
Telephone, Texas 75488
Telegraph, Texas 76883
Whiteface, Texas 79379
Twitty, Texas 79079
and don't forget......Farewell, Texas
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
1) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
2) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second
person.
3) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
4) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
5) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
6) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
7) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
8) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
9) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that
you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you
the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
EARTHLY SUCCESS
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants
At age 12 success is . . . having friends
At age 18 success is . . . having a drivers license
At age 35 success is . . . having money
At age 50 success is . . . having money
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license
At age 75 success is . . . having friends
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants
GREAT TRUTHS RONALD REAGAN HAD LEARNED
- 'Here's my
strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose.'
-
- 'The most
terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the
government and I'm here to help.'
-
- 'The trouble
with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant; it's just
that they know so much that isn't so.'
-
- 'I
have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would
have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.'
-
- 'Government
is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one
end and no sense of responsibility at the other.'
-
- 'The nearest
thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a
government program.'
-
-
'Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few
short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate
it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.'
-
- 'Politics is
not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if
you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.'
-
- 'No arsenal,
or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as
the will and moral courage of free men and women.'
-
- 'If we ever
forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation
gone under.'
Without C we'd have to program in OBOL, Pasal, Basi, Orale or ++
The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded
Wendy before.
A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down
continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once"
- The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the
only elephant in the Berlin Zoo -
- The original name for butterfly was flutterby –
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that
you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
- Celery has negative calories; it takes more calories to eat a piece of celery
than the celery has in it to begin with -
- Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest
-
A law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than
three steps backwards while dancing
- The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often
stolen from public libraries –
- Bats always turn left when exiting a cave -
1) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
2) The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the
Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
3) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
4) The Italians drink large amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart
attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
5)The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
6) Ukrainians drink lots of vodka eat a lot of perogies, cabbage rolls, and
suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or
Canadians.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
kills you.
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid
enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by
those who got there first.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people
who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it
will digest itself.
A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2".
- During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur," a small red car can be seen in the
distance –
- By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into
quicksand -
On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of
wood.
The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game
of chess is 318,979,564,000.
- There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver
-
If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad
and sting itself to death.
- Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could
see his moves -
- The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."
- The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for
automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so
the called themselves Motorola.
- Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
- The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
- The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often
stolen from public libraries.
- Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because
passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
- Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
- Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson."
- An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more
than three steps backwards while dancing
FAMOUS PEOPLE POSSESSED BY AUTISM AND
ASPERGER's SYNDROME
Michelangelo Buonarroti
Isaac Newton
Thomas Jefferson
Ludwig Wittgenstein
Nikola Tesla
Vladimir I. Lenin
Andy Warholl
Satoshi Tajiri
Jeremy Bentham
Glenn Gould
Richard Feynman
William Gates
Albert Einstein
Ein Jude sitzt in einem Zugabteil und liest. Einige Sturmabteilungsmanner
steigen ein. Als sie den Juden erblicken, stossen sie sich an und rufen im Chor:
- Heil Hitler!
Der Jude blickt auf und sagt ruhig:
- Meine herren, sie irren sich. Ich bin es nicht, ich bin es wirklich nicht!
FACTS Of The 1500's
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water
temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be:
£££££
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and
still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom
today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
£££££
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the
privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the
women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so
dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying,"Don't throw the
baby out with the bath water."
£££££
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It
was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other
small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery
and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's
raining cats and dogs."
£££££
* * * * * *
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real
problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your
nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top
afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.
* * * * * *
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the
saying "dirt poor."
* * * * * *
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so
they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the
winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it
would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
* * * * * *
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung
over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate
mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner,
leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next
day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the
pot nine days old."
* * * * * *
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of
wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to
share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
* * * * * *
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused
some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This
happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes
were considered poisonous.
* * * * * *
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the
loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
* * * * * *
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes
knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would
take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the
kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and
eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom of holding a "wake."
* * * * * *
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places
to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
"bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins,1 out of 25
coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized
they had been burying people alive.
So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it
through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone
would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift" to
listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was
considered a "dead ringer."
Chochmah/WORDS OF WISDOM
As we enter the political season, no matter whom you support keep
these basic rules in mind
Rules of Washington:
** If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.
** Don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
** An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.
** The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
** Chicken little only has to be right once.
** "NO" is only an interim response.
** If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
** The truth is a variable.
** A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent.
** You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in
principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.
** A promise is not a guarantee.
** If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting.
These Are THE RULES!!!
Passover is not the only holiday to have rules. Men have rules too!
Some of the men have complained that they always hear "the rules"
from the female side. In the interest of equal time, here are the
rules from the male side.
These are MEN'S RULES!
-Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.
-Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
-Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
-Crying is blackmail.
-Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
-Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
- Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
-
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
- Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
-If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
- If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
-You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
-Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
-Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
-ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.
-If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
-If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
-When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
-You have enough clothes.
-You have too many shoes.
The story of Moses and COMPUTERS....
"Excuse me, Sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, Sir."
"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh, yeah. I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know. Remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, Sir."
"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out."
"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those 'ten things' you sent me?"
"You mean the Commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean 'were important,' Moses? Of course, they're important.
Otherwise, I wouldn't have sent them to you." "Well, sorry, but I
lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course
you would see right through that."
"What do you mean 'you lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't
save them, Moses?"
"No, Sir. I forgot."
"You should always save, Moses."
"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did
send them to some people before I lost them though."
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses
'shalt not'? Can he change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and
recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one
or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."
"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming
him?"
"The term is 'spamming,' Moses."
"Oh, yeah. I E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff,
and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what did he say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might
have sent me one of those -- er -- plagues, and that's the reason I lost
those ten things, do you?"
"They're called 'viruses,' Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back
to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading
them each day, but at least I never lost them."
"We'll do it the new way, Moses."
"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows
more about this stuff than You, and I really like Your hours. By the way,
Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why didn't you name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,'
because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you
want to."
"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told
him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the
computers Apple?"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be
working. Yet, a couple of the 'ten things' have come back."
Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let's see ........'Thou shalt not steal from any grave and image'
and....... 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."

http://stupidco.com/images/bliss_silly_walk.jpg
Vay iz meer
An expression which closely resembles "Woe is Me", and is cried out
by Jewish parents every 15 minutes. An anthem of true suffering.
Putz
The male reproductive member, primarily used for urinating and ---
Larger than a schmeckel. Similar to a schmuck. A common term for male in-laws.
Schmuck
Yet another term for the male member, most often used to describe a
man with an attitude of arrogant stupidity. Nice logic there, if you
think about it. A common term for former male in-laws and business
partners.
Tattalah
An endearing term of love which means "little man". An emasculating
term for women to call men, if you think about it. But who has time
to think?
Gefilte Fish
A tasty mix of congealed fish parts and transparenslime jelly. The
only food it is permissible for Jewish children to refuse. In some
families, they may even be allowed to gag, but politely.
Chaleria
A derogatory term which best refers to a female business associate or
a mother-in-law. The closest English equivalent is "b-tch".
Koorveh
A call-girl, or prostitute. Also known as Nafkeh.
Kugel
A yummy blend of overcooked noodles, raisins, and curds of ripe
cheese. Not fun to look at. When lathered with sour cream makes an
excellent artery hardener.
Borscht
A purple soup made from beets and ammonia. Often eaten by elderly
Ashkenazic Jews who slurp noisily. Tastes best when it stinks to high
heaven.
K'naidlach
Also referred to as matzoh balls. There isn't a laxative in the world
strong enough to counteract them.
Schmendrick
A man who messes things up, always loses and feels miserable. An
unfortunate jerk. Closely related to Schlemazel and Schlemiell. Every
family has at least one.
Schlemiel
A jerk who can't do anything right. In simple terms, someone who's
always spilling his soup.
Schlemazel
The poor dumb guy a Schlemiell is always spilling soup on.
Schmeckel
A guy with a small male membez. A person who is a "nothing". May be
used to describre an ex-partner or ex-son-in-law.
Tsuris
A word referring to all problems, trouble, grief, aggravation and
heartache. Examples: daughter pregnant with child of an unemployed
bartender, adult son loses job and moves back home. Major Tsuris:
Daughter and baby "Bridget" move back home too.
Ken in- a- hura
A gleeful rejoice used when Jewish parents find out their daughter is
going to marry the Jewish surgeon rather than that poor, unemployed
goyishe bartender.
L'Bidurchem/The Humor Section
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes
age, weight and height. Let the
doctors worry about them. That is why you pay " them " .
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer,
crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain
idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life,
is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, Whether
it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants,
hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve
it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is
beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the
mall, even to the next county; to a foreign
country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we
take, but by the moments that take our breath
away.
And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares?
But do share this with someone. We all need to
live life to its fullest each day.
Things we Probably Didn't Know
1. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
2. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
3. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
4. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse
has both front legs in the air, the person died
in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the
air the person died as a result of wounds
received in battle. If the horse has all four
legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.
5. 'I am.' is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
6. Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
7. Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far
would you have to go until you could find the
letter a?
A. One thousand.
8. Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes,
windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in
common?
A. All invented by women.
9. Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
10. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were
secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled
on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the
bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase
'goodnight, sleep tight'.
11 . It was the accepted practice in Babylon
4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his
son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead
is a honey beer and because their calendar was
lunar based, this period was called the honey
month or what we know today as the honeymoon.
12. In ancient England a person could not have
sex unless you had consent of the King (unless
you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted
to have a baby, they got consent of the King who
gave them a placard that they hung on their door
while they were having sex. The placard had:
"Fornication Under Consent of the King" on it.
Now you know where that acronym came from.
13. Last but not least: In Scotland, a new game
was invented. It was entitled "Gentlemen Only,
Ladies Forbidden" and thus the word GOLF entered
into the English language.
In the Zoo
Moishe, a Jewish actor is so down and out, he's ready to take any
acting gig that he can find. Finally, he gets a lead, a classified
ad that says,
"Actor needed to play an ape."
"I could do that," says Moishe. To his surprise, the employer turns
out to be the Central Park Zoo in New York. Owing to mismanagement,
the zoo has spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving
the habitat, they can
no longer afford to import the ape to replace the recently deceased
one, so, until they can, they'll put an actor in an ape suit.
Out of desperation, Moishe takes the offer. At first, his conscience
keeps nagging him, that he is being dishonest by fooling the
zoo-goers. Moishe also feels undignified in the ape suit, stared at
by the crowds who
watch his every move. But after a few days on the job, he begins to
enjoy all the attention and starts to put on a show for all the
zoo-goers.
Moishe hangs upside down from the branches by his legs, swinging
about on the vines, climbing up the cage walls and roaring with all
his might, while beating on his chest. Soon, he's drawing a sizable
crowd. One day,
when Moishe is swinging on the vines to show off to a group of
school kids, his hand slips and he goes flying over the fence into
the neighboring cage, the lion's den.
Terrified, Moishe backs up as far from the approaching lion as he
can, covers his eyes with his paws and prays at the top of his lungs,
"Shama Yisroel Ad-nai Elokeinu, Ad-nai Achad!"
The lion opens his powerful jaws and roars the response,
"Baruch Sh-m K'vod Malchuto L'olam Va'ed"
From a nearby cage, a panda yells, "Be quiet, you'll get us all fired."
Disorder in the American Courts
Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what! were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
Half truths
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the
fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk
left by those who got there first.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty
Quarter truths
1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of
jalapenos -- you never know what's going to burn you.
2) I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as
they go flying by.
3) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without
it.
4) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there
the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
5) My reality check bounced.
6) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
7) I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!
8) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
9) Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
10) Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then
beat you with experience.
11) Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.
The Ark
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark
One : Don't miss the boat.
Two : Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three : Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four : Stay fit When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do
something really big.
Five : Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six : Build your future on high ground.
Seven : For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight : Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board
with the cheetahs.
Nine : When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten : Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Anagrams
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:TWELVE PLUS ONE
Jewish Holiday Guide for Dummies (or the non-Jew)
As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which
you must starve and days on which you must overeat. Many Jews observe no
fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year based on the time-honored
principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you
definitely are not. Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no
holidays requiring light snacking -- and definitely no pork.
Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash
Wednesday) on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This
is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more
stressed out.
The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:
Rosh Hashanah -- Feast
Tzom Gedalia - Fast
Yom Kippur -- Fasting, big time!
Sukkot -- More Feasting
Hashanah Rabbah -- Keep Feasting
Simchat Torah -- Still More Feasting
Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a month - Get a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes and other fried foods
Tenth of Tevet -- Don't eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat -- Feast
Fast of Esther -- Fast
Purim -- Eat pastry
Passover -- Do not eat pastry. Oy!
Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)
17th of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or
blintzes!)
Month of Elul -- End of cycle.
Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again
10 KÄSKYÄ - lasten suusta kuultuna
1. Älä varasta köyhiltä, jos he huomaavat. (Frida 6v.)
2. Älä anna vauvoille sipulia. Minä olen kerran kokeillut. (Thea 7v.)
3. Lyö toista vain jos on ihan pakko. (Henriette 7v.)
4. Älä puhu pahaa kenenkään selän vieressä. (Oscar 7v.)
5. Ole niin kiltti kuin pystyt, mutta muuten voit tehdä mitä haluat. (Glenn 6v.)
6. Kuuntele aina äitiä, ja sitä mitä äänensävyä hän käyttää. (Thomas 7v.)
7. Varjele itseäsi. (Kristin 8v.)
8. Jos joku lyö sinua, niin ole kuin et kuulisikaan. (Sebastian 6v.)
9. Rakasta Jumalaa tosi paljon, vaikka se on vaikeaa eikä häntä näy vaikka
huutaisi "Tule esiin! " (Robin 6v.)
10.Älä himoitse aviopuolisosi asioita. Ja Äitienpäivänä pitää laulaa, muuten
alkaa jumalaton meteli. (Tom 9v.)
BIOLOGIA
- "Ahven syö hyttysiä ja ihmisijä jalasta."
- "Villisian paino on 200 km ja se syö keitettyjä perunoita."
- "Talitiainen syö risuja ja talvihyönteisiä."
- "Jääkarhulla on jalkojen välissä raajat."
Miksi lepakko käyttää kaikuluotainta? - "Näön vuoksi."
Kerro lepakon talvesta. - "Se vaipuu rakennukseen."
Miten karhu selviää syömättä talven yli? - "Se kerää ravintoa kurkkuun."
Suden sukulaisia? - "Supikoira,konoottija pingo."
Koirarotuja? - "Kuumekoira,buuderi."
"Tunturisopuli elää norjan neuvostoliitossa."
"Kyy on selkärangaton nisäkäs."
"Sorsa kuuluu räpylijalkaisiin."
"Kalan lisääntyminen on kidu. Naaras mätii ja koiras perällä hautomaan."
"Visentti on vihree nyrsijä."
Hyönteisen muodonvaihdos? - "Se muna, kuoriutuu, imetys, aikuinen
kärpänen."
Mitä tarkoitetaan yhteyttämisellä? - "Kasvit menee yhteen ja tekee tärkkelystä."
KANSALAISTAITO - YMPARISTÖOPPI
Vipuja? - "Harmooni,pulpetti,lentokoneen se."
Mitä etuja on pyörän keksimisestä? - "Neliskanttinen pyörä tomppii."
"Kotikärry."
Mitä tarkoittaa akustiikka? - "Huono onni."
Mistä saadaan polttoainetta? - "Kaivosta ja merestä." - "Ne ovat syntyneet
hiilihieksistä."
Yleisin tulipalon syy? - "Huolimattomasti sammutettu kynttilä."
Veden saastuttajia? - "Likaiset jalat ja koko ruumis."
Veden alkuaineet ? - "Itku, jää ja lumi."
Planeettoja ? - "Jupiter ja tunturi"
"Polkupyörää on ohjattava niin että on kumpikin jalka polkimilla ja ainakin
toinen käsi. Pyörän pakollisiin varusteisiin kuuluu kissankello."
"Kun haukottelee äänihuulet aukee kun puhuu ne aukee."
Hengityselimiä kohtaavia vaaroja? - "Rään vetäminen keuhkoihin ja hengityksen
pidäminen."
- "Hengitämme, että saisimme liikuntaa."
Hengityselimet? - "Nielurisat,nenärauhasetja nenäkarvat."
Ruoansulatuselimet? - "Tuma,ohutsuoli,paksusuli,nenä,suu ja keuhkokurkku."
Sydämen tehtävä? - "Jos ei olisi sydäntä tai se olisi epäkunnossa paljon ihmisiä
kuolisi heti."
- "Sydän pumppaa ilmaa ruumiiseen." - "Se elättää ruumista ettei henki
loppuisi."
Veren osat ? - "Vettä ja kyyneliä."
LISÄÄ ALA-ASTEEN OPPILAIDEN KOEVASTAUKSIA
Kuka oli Suomen 1. piispa? - "Henrik Luther King"
10. käsky? - "Älä himoitse väärää ihmistä" - "Älä ylenkatso lähimmäisesi
aviopuolisoa"
Mitä tapahtui pitkäperjantaina? - "Jeesus ristittiin, tuli maanjäristys ja
esiliina repesi" - "Sotilaat löivät rieskalla Jeesusta"
Selitä sanat rabbi ja spitaali: - "Ropri ja rakotauti"
"Turussa oli keskiajalla sikamaista." "Vapaussodassa taistelivat
punakaartilaiset ja valkoihoiset."
"Ihmiskunnan suurin keksintö on nuolenpääkirjoitus."
Kuka keksi radion? - "Juha Whatvainio"
"Kehruu-Jenny oli William Shakespeare ja häntä sanottiin Kehruu-Jennyksi, koska
hän keksi kehruukoneen."
"Suomen keskiaikaiset piispat olivat Matti Maaton, Vaskodakama ja
Kristoverkolumpus."
Mikä on muumio? - "Kun ihminen kuolee ja nahka rasvataan ja se pannaan
kuivumaan"
- "Juutalaiset menevät synagoogaan sillä tavalla, että naiset menevät kuistille
ja miehet nurkkaan."
- "Galileo Galilei teki putoamisliikkeita Pisan vinostatornista." -
"Roomassa vainajat piiloutuivat katakombeihin."
AINEISTA KERÄTTYÄ
- "Mitä Suomesta säilyttäisin, mitä muuttaisin......Mielisairaaloita pitäisi
perustaa ja näköalapaikkoja ja muita huvittelukeskuksia."
- "Poliisin tehtäviin kuuluvat ryöstöt, murhat,pahoinpitelyt, liikenteen
valvonta ja muut järjestyshäiriot."
- "Punalutku istui oksalla" - "Isä eli onnellisena isänpäivän loppuun asti"
- "He löivät vanginvartija Ärjälää lapiolla, joka oli Helena Ärjälän isä"
- "Hirvi kellastui maahan ja meeri lensi käsieni väliin"
- "Ihmisiä kuoli suurin joukoin nälänhädän puutteen vuoksi"
- "Pasi on niin mielikuvituksen alainen, että tekee leekoista kaikkea"
- Tunnin aherruksen tulos aiheesta Kissa: - "Kisalla on pikä händä"
SELITÄ SANA
Kylmäkkö - "Julma ihminen" - "Etonnut nainen"
Romanssi - "Toinen pitää toisesta ja se on semmoista" - "Lovistoori"
- "Riptiisi" - "Hermoraunio"
TERVEYSOPPIA
Mitä kuuluu ääreishermostoon? - "Karva ja nahka"
Mitkä asiat suojaavat ihmistä huumeilta? - "Impaaminen ja kuolema"
Mitä haittaa on alkoholista? - "Alkoholi aiheuttaa miehillä impotentaasia"
Miten ääni etenee korvassa? - "Se menee toisesta korvasta sisään ja tulee
toisesta ulos."
Kukan osat: - "Verhiö, teriö, hetiö, emiö, kukio ja sikiö"
Millainen on siemenen rakenne? - "Siinä on ponsi, sikeäinen ja selkäranka"
KOSKA MENNÄ NAIMISIIN?
"Ekana täytyy löytää joku joka tykkää samoista asioista ku itte. Jos esimerkiks
tykkää jalkapallosta, täytyy löytää vaimo joka tuo chipsejä ja kaljaa" Alain 10v
"Ei voi ite päättää koska menee naimisiin. Jumala päättää sen kauan etukäteen ja
sitten sitä näkee kuka se on ku se roikkuu kaulassa" Kirsten 10v
MIKÄ ON PARAS IKÄ MENNÄ NAIMISIIN?
"Paras ikä mennä naimisiin on 23 vuotta, kun on ainakin 10 vuotta tuntenut jo
aviomiehensä" Camille 10v
"Ei ole mitään parasta ikää mennä naimisiin. Täytyy olla tosi tyhmä mennäkseen
naimisiin" Freddie 6v
MITÄ OMILLA VANHEMMILLASI ON YHTEISTÄ?
"Ne ei haluaa enempää lapsia" Aure 8v
MITÄ TREFFEILLÄ OIKEASTAAN TEHDÄÄN?
"Treffit on sitä varten, että huvitellaan ja ihmisten pitää olla treffeillä että
opitaan tuntemaan toisensa. Jopa pojilla on joskus jotain mielenkiintosta
sanottavaa, jos oikeen tarpeeksi kauan kuuntelee." Linette 8v
"Ekoilla treffeillä sanotaan toisilleen mielenkiintoisia valheita, niin sitten
ollaan valmiita seuraaville treffeille" Martin 10v
MITÄ TEKISIT KUN SINULLA ON ENSIMMÄISET TREFFIT?
"Menisin kotiin ja leikkisin että oon kuollut. Sitten soittaisin lehteen ja
sanoisin että pankaa muistoilmoitus" Craig 9v
KOSKA SAA PUSSATA TOISTA?
"No silloin kun ne on rikkaita miehiä." Pamela 7v
"Jos pussaat tyttöä, sun täytyy sitte mennä naimisiin ja saada lapsia sen
kanssa. Sillai se vaan on.." Henri 8v
ONKO PAREMPI OLLA SINKKU VAI MENNÄ NAIMISIIN?
"Tytöille on kyllä parempi että ovat sinkkuja. Mutta pojat tarttee jonkun
siivoomaan." Anita 9v
MITÄ TULISI TEHDÄ ETTÄ AVIOLIITOSTA TULISI HYVÄ?
"No vaimoille täytyy sanoo et ne on kauniita. Myös sillon vaik ne näyttäs
pakettiautoilta" Richard 10v.
KYLLÄ LAPSET TIETÄVÄT
Ennen ihmiset oli jaettu rotuihin - hienot ja epähienot. Hienot olivat rikkaita
ja niillä oli varaa ostaa shampoota ja hiusgeeliä, kun epähienommat saivat
tyytyä kirppuihin ja täihin.
Christian, 6 vuotta
Ennen ei lapset olleet niin hemmoteltuja. Niillä ei ollut leikkejä eikä
sohvatyynyjä eikä mariekeksiä. Sensijaan niillä oli harmaampia tavaroita jotka
eivät olleet vaarallisia luonnolle.
H*kan, 6 v
Luulen että ihmiset olivat ennen onnellisempia. Ainakin näytti siltä. Nykyään
lapset pakotetaan nauramaan ja näyttämään iloisilta. Mattias, 6 v
Ennen hammaslääkäri oli vaarallinen henkilö. Hän käytti rautatankoja ja veti
joka puolelta pois hampaita. Jopa viisaudenhampaat hän veti.
Dag Emil, 7 v
Kun ennen mentiin naimisiin, se oli siksi että valtio käski ja Pappien mielestä
oli paras niin. Nykyään saa ottaa avopuolison toisensa jälkeen ilman että valtio
sanoo edes bää tai muu...
Tove, 7 v
Ennen eivät isät saaneet synnyttää lapsia. Sitä pidettiin epämusikaalisena.
Mutta nykyään on tavallista että äiti ja isä synnyttävät lapsen yhdessä.
Kathrine, 6 v
Kun mennään naimisiin, organismi soittaa surumarssia kun morsian kulkee miestään
kohti.
Stina, 6 v
Ei ole pakko mennä naimisiin kirkossa. Voi mennä naimisiin sosiaalitoimistossa.
Tai voi muuttaa yhteen ilman että kertoo kenellekään. Pääasia on että tietää sen
itse.
Nina, 6 v
Kun menee naimisiin, niin ei saa nauraa. Ja sitten ei saa sanoa ei.
Cathrine, 5 v
Kun menee naimisiin täytyy antaa toisilleen vaitiololupaus. Ellei sitä pidä,
täytyy erota ja silloin täytyy jakaa lamput ja veitset ja yleensä ei pystytä
sopimaan kuka ottaa lapset. Ne jotka ei pysty sopimaan siitä joutuvat menemään
pörssimeklarille. Hän päättää että toinen saa lapset ja toinen saa sen sijaan
ylimääräisen ruokapöydän.
Regina, 7 v
Jos alkaa tulla vanhaksi ja keksii ettei halua kuolla, voi ottaa
vitamiinipillereitä ja ulostuspillereitä.
Nina, 6 v
Äkkiä yhtenä aamuna herää ja on saanut harmaat hiukset. Sitten hyppää
ylös sängystä ja tuijottaa peiliin, mutta ei auta vaikka kuinka huutaa apua.
Ellen, 6 v
Ellei meillä olisi vanhoja ihmisiä menisivät kaikki keppitehtaat ja
tekohammastehtaat konkurssiin.
Kathrine, 6 v
Vanhainkoti on eräänlainen kennel vanhoille ihmisille. Perheet voivat jättää
vanhukset sinne jos ovat lähdössä lomalle tai haluavat olla rauhassa.Vaikka
niitten ei tarvitse pitää hihnaa.
Pelle, 6 v
Jos on mielestään tullut naamasta ryppyiseksi, voi ottaa kasvojenkohotuksen.
Silloin pitää mennä kampaajalle ja istua tuoliin. Sitten ne leikkaavat rypyt
pois ja hitsaavat päälle nuoren ja reippaan ilmeen.
Agnethe, 10 v
Lasten suusta: Aikaa tarvitaan kiireeseen.
EETU 6 v.
Rakkaus tuntuu jaloissa. Ne kävelee sinne päin johon on rakastunut.
MATIAS 6 v.
Iloisena olo tuntuu päässä. Tarkemmin sanoen huulissa, kun nehän vain venyy ja
venyy.
JULI 6 v.
Jos ei voi saada lapsia, voi lääkäri tehdä sellaisen koeputkessa. Mutta useimmat
lapset on tehty tavallisissa putkissa.
FRED 7 v.
Ei ole oikein hyvä, jos raskaana olevilla naisilla on munalikööriä pissassa.
TOVE 9 v.
Ei vanheneminen ole vaikeaa. Kulkee vain virran mukana.
LINN 6 v.
Kun ihmiset tulevat vanhoiksi, he eivät enää sano että he rakastavat toisiaan.
Silloin he kysyvät, että ottaako kahvin kanssa pikkuleipää.
TORD 7 v.
Mulla on viisi mummoa... vaari on vähän kertonut.
PIA 4 v.
Tätien ja setien ruumiissa on se ero, että tätien ruumiissa on enemmän salaisia
paikkoja molemmissa päissä.
MIKAEL 6 v.
Naiset koostuvat munasarjoista ja siksi he ajattelevat enemmän.
SIRI 6 v.
Nenä on oikeastaan lihas, jolla hengitetään. Mutta sitä voi myös käyttää rään
kuljettamiseen.
EMIL 6 v.
Aivot ovat sitä varten, että hiukset pysyisivät kiinni.
NINA 5 v.
Ihmisellä on monenlaista nahkaa. Esinahka on edessä ja takanahka on takana.
THERESE 6 v.
Jos ei ole hermoja, niin tekee paremmin työtä ja ehtii tehdä enemmän asioita.
HARALD 7 v.
Ihmisen ja eläinten ero on siinä, että kun siat ovat lihoneet tarpeeksi, ne
syödään.
ARVID 6 v.
Äidin nimi on kana ja isän nimi on uros, lapset ovat kilejä ja lapsenlapset ovat
munia.
STEFAN 6 v.
Jotkut lehmät ovat mustia. Ne ovat maahanmuuttajia.
KARIN 5 v.
Ei lapset tee hölmöjä asioita. Niillä on omat syynsä.
ANNA 7 v.
Isänäideillä ja äidinäideillä on valtavan isot rintaliivit. Ne ovat niin isot,
että toiseen kuppiin mahtuu minun takapuoleni kokonaan ja molemmat polvet.
Toisessa on tilaa minun veljelle.
KATJA 7 v.
Isoäiti on sellainen, jonka kautta koko suku on tullut ulos. Siksi ei ole niin
kummallista, että hänen nahkansa vähän lerppuu.
KRISTINA 7 v.
Vaari on niin vanha, ettei enää muista miksi hän pitää naisista.
TORE 8 v.
Isoisä makaa hautakiven alla. Taputamme häntä kivelle ja kerran kaivoimme maahan
sipuleita, että hänellä olisi jotain purtavaa.
SIRI 5 v.
Isoäiti on ollut isoisoäidin mahassa, äiti on ollut isoäidin mahassa ja minä
olen ollut äidin mahassa. Mutta minun mahassa on vain lihapullia.
HELENE 6 v.
Kun kello on kaksitoista, kaikki kääntyvät Mekkaan päin ja purevat maton
hapsuja.
RAYMOND 7 v.
On tyhmää että täytyy kuolla. Minusta ei ihmisiä tarvitsisi vaihtaa koko ajan.
Minä olen sitä mieltä, että jos täällä kerran ollaan niin ollaan sitten.
JOHANNES 8 v.
SAVOLAESITTAIN
Koppoo kiinni tästä päevästä - huomisessa on omat kahvasa.
Misteepä sen tietää mihinkä pystyy ennen kun kokkeiloo.
Anna kaekkes, vuan elä periks.
Lukemalla ee uimaan opi. Vetteen se on mäntävä.
Pritti tuumii istuissaan, ranskalaenen seesoessaan,ameriikkalaenen ajjaissaan,
suomalaenen jäläkeen päen ja savolaenen kuhanpahan jollonnii...
Joes et opettele naaramaan vaekeoksille, niin millees sitten vanahana naarat?
Et ossoo naatiskella jootilaesuuvesta jos sinulla ee oo paljo töetä..
Ikkee tulloo, vuan vanahaks ee tarvihe tulla.
Turha hättäely ja voohuilu on mieljkuvituksen viärinkäättöö..
Huominen on monasti viikon kiireisin päevä.
Naarattele ja suat kaverija, ärvötä nuama rutussa niin suat ryppyjä pärstääs.
Monasti voettajat on hävinneitä, jotka piätti koettoo kerran vielä.
Elämän tarkotus on murheen karkotus.
Joka ihteesä luottaa, se kykysä tuploo.
Kompastelu voep estee kuatumisen.
Kaks syytä olla tekemättä mittään:
1. Oot yrittännä sitä ennennii.
2. Et oo ennenkään yrittännä sitä.
Leoka pystyyn kun tulloo kova paekka; - pyssyypähän aenae suu kiinni.
Jos mieles tyhjennöö, elä unneuta katkasta iäntä.
Liian paljo hyvvee on ihanoo.
Ne tekköö jotka ossoo. Jotka ee ossoo, ne arvostelloo.
Menestys on kun pieru - muu kun oma ee hyvälle haese.
Murheen kantaa yksinnii vuan illoon pittää olla kaks.
Jos ymmärrät kaeken, oot varmasti käsittännä viärin.
Rahalla et voe ostoo ystäviä, mutta suatpahan tasokkaeta vihollisija.
Naara itelles ennen kun muut kerkijää.
€€€
Älä vie pommia lentokoneeseen! Se on
ankarasti kiellettyä! Do not take you bomb to an aeroplane! It is strictly
forbidden!
















€€€
jack-of-all-trades
♪♫♠♣♥♦☺☻♪♫♠♣♥♦░☺☻21
FUNDAMENTALISM
...we must first look into the use of this term 'fundamentalist'. On the most
common contemporary academic use of the term, it is a term of abuse or
disapprobation, rather like 'son of a bitch', more exactly 'sonovabitch', or
perhaps still more exactly (at least according to those authorities who look to
the Old West as normative on matters of pronunciation) 'sumbitch'. When the term
is used in this way, no definition of it is ordinarily given. (If you called
someone a sumbitch, would you feel obliged first to define the term?) Still,
there is a bit more to the meaning of 'fundamentalist' (in this widely current
use): it isn't simply a term of abuse. In addition to its emotive force, it does
have some cognitive content, and ordinarily denotes relatively conservative
theological views. That makes it more like 'stupid sumbitch' (or maybe 'fascist
sumbitch') than 'sumbitch' simpliciter. It isn't exactly like that term either,
however, because its cognitive content can expand and contract on demand; its
content seems to depend on who is using it. In the mouths of certain liberal
theologians, for example, it tends to denote any who accept traditional
Christianity, including Augustine, Aquinas, Luther, Calvin, and Barth; in the
mouths of devout secularists like Richard Dawkins or Daniel Dennett, it tends to
denote anyone who believes there is such a person as God. The explanation is
that the term has a certain indexical element: its cognitive content is given by
the phrase 'considerably to the right, theologically speaking, of me and my
enlightened friends.' The full meaning of the term, therefore (in this use), can
be given by something like 'stupid sumbitch whose theological opinions are
considerably to the right of mine'.
Nevertheless, things you should not state
at your dissertation defense:
1
http://web.missouri.edu/~kleinp/images/cartoon_diss_def_small.gif
Lessons on Life
There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to
judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn,
to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away. The
first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in
summer, and the youngest son in the fall. When they had all gone and
come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen.
The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted. The
second son said no it was covered with green buds and full of
promise. The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms
that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most
graceful thing he had ever seen. The last son disagreed with all of
them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and
fulfillment.
The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because
they had each seen but only one season in the tree's life. He told
them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season,
and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love
that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all
the seasons are up. If you give up when it's winter, you will miss
the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, fulfillment of
your fall.
Moral:
Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest.
Don't judge life by one difficult season.
Persevere through the difficult patches and better times are sure to
come some time.
Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly. Leave the Rest to God.
Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keep You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But Only God keeps You Going!
"Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast.
It is not proud, not rude.
Not self-seeking, not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs."
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not
easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." 1 Corinthians 13: 4-5
Füsse warm, Schädel kalt,
bleib gesund, werde alt!
ojala.pauli@gmail.com
http://www.helsinki.fi/~pjojala/Haeckelianlegacy_ABC5.pdf

http://www.kp-art.fi/default.htm